yeah... random blabbers of a mind that makes no sense...
(yes i realized that most of this doesn't even make any sense...just scattered thoughts...)
Typhoon strikes with full fury, leaving as with fallen lamp-posts, dissembled bikes, scattered billiards...and more. I walked silently among the mushy leaves...so wet, so murky, so cold. It takes about 10-15 mins to walk to the front of the campus since my dorm is quite close to the end...It's pretty much a straight path, which freed my brain from the burdens of distinguishing and struggling with the different paths that one may encounter while trying to locate a particular classroom. With ease, my thoughts drift from one thought to another...I have too much time to think. As if to keep my mind from gloomy thoughts, my eyes dart from one direction to the next, flickering upon the nameless faces that surrounded me, passed me...suddenly I felt as if I was far away from home (but in reality it's only an hour away...) None of the familiarity, none of the smiles and winks. None.
I trudged behind a guy with a backpack filled with stars of various colors. He also wore a cap and baggy jeans...Suddenly, he stopped in his tracks. A girl with a provacative skirt was strolling toward us with a smirk on her face. Her eyes lit up with recognition and instantly I felt jealousy in my stomach. He reaches out for her and together they became to walk in the opposite direction.
Several days earlier, my friend thought me laughable, since I hide in my dorms to eat alone because I don't want to be caught eating alone out...that just seems too lonely and embarrassing. My friend teasingly told me that I should most definitely take advantage of my location...proudly stroll into the guy's dormitory and sit alone at their cafeteria. This will supposedly up my chances of finding a boyfriend...because having a boyfriend in the same university will certainly be a quick answer to all my loneliness...or would it?
Finally, I reached my bike and unlocked it. I realized that I didn't want to head back to the dorms just to be alone again. So instead I peddeled this way and that...not really going to any destination but just enjoying the soft breeze. I noticed myself closing my eyes, letting the wind carry me as I pass over a small bridge.
Being alone isn't that bad. So much freedom, so much time.
Too bad being alone forever isn't our nature...
I wish I knew what to do. How to behave. I want to give in, but at the same time I know I need to learn to be independent...I'm so confused.
2008年9月30日 星期二
2008年9月25日 星期四
Petrarch.
several lines...that have found their way into my heart.
"Love found me all disarmed and saw the way
was to reach my heart down through the eyes,
which have become the halls and doors of tears."
"though the bow's unbent, the wound bleeds on."
the descriptions/metaphors/symbols...are simply amazing.
but i guess what really matters most is why these particular lines touched me.
sonnets...the poetry of love.
oh woe...we share too many similar pains and troubles when it comes to "l-o-v-e"
"Love found me all disarmed and saw the way
was to reach my heart down through the eyes,
which have become the halls and doors of tears."
"though the bow's unbent, the wound bleeds on."
the descriptions/metaphors/symbols...are simply amazing.
but i guess what really matters most is why these particular lines touched me.
sonnets...the poetry of love.
oh woe...we share too many similar pains and troubles when it comes to "l-o-v-e"
if you had to ask how i am...
Entering a new environment leaves one vulnerable to surprises, failures, and most of all...loneliness. As one of the many people that think wayyyyyy too much for anyone's good, my stomach is naturally filled with bullfrogs and butterflies.
Words, phrases, broken sentences rush through my head as I try to come up with a decent conversation. Helplessly trying to throw together a jumble of words that will in time serve as an introduction. When has it become so hard to just chat and chill? I was throwing "excuse moi" all over the place, observing each individual, desperately searching for "the one" - and let me remind you that "the one" here has no implications what-so-ever in regards to Prince Charming or Mr. Right, but rather simply mutual friendship.
I think we often forget how hard it is to make friends...make true friends that will always be there for you. Soon, we take our friends for granted...although this kind of relationship seem to work just fine.
As strange as it may be...I found it extremely easy to start a conversation: "Salut! Comment ca va? Which department are you from? Are you a freshman? Are you from Taipei, no? oh then where?" But the real question is...how to keep the conversation going? How to keep your audience engaged? Since once I start to believe that I've successfully captured their attention and interest...my "prospective" new friend's eyes would begin to sparkle in the wrong direction. Soon without so much as a flash, she then disappears in the opposite direction and allows herself to be swallowed among her sea of "old friend-ships".
Old friends aren't much help beyond a source of comfort. It's really not anyone's fault. And trust me, I'm grateful that my friends still love me and care about me. They're really awesome and drop in once in awhile to remind me that I am loved. But apart, we no longer hear the same sounds, smell the same odors, taste the same flavors, endure the same struggles...we're forced to become alienated. Everything we now share...must be described and explained...instead of being in the experience together. How can we possibly capture a particular moment? No matter how hard and how explicitly one tries to describe and recapture a scene, frame, minuscule in time...it simply can't be done. Then oftimes when we hear, "I understand" one can't help but wonder... "how much?"
Words, phrases, broken sentences rush through my head as I try to come up with a decent conversation. Helplessly trying to throw together a jumble of words that will in time serve as an introduction. When has it become so hard to just chat and chill? I was throwing "excuse moi" all over the place, observing each individual, desperately searching for "the one" - and let me remind you that "the one" here has no implications what-so-ever in regards to Prince Charming or Mr. Right, but rather simply mutual friendship.
I think we often forget how hard it is to make friends...make true friends that will always be there for you. Soon, we take our friends for granted...although this kind of relationship seem to work just fine.
As strange as it may be...I found it extremely easy to start a conversation: "Salut! Comment ca va? Which department are you from? Are you a freshman? Are you from Taipei, no? oh then where?" But the real question is...how to keep the conversation going? How to keep your audience engaged? Since once I start to believe that I've successfully captured their attention and interest...my "prospective" new friend's eyes would begin to sparkle in the wrong direction. Soon without so much as a flash, she then disappears in the opposite direction and allows herself to be swallowed among her sea of "old friend-ships".
Old friends aren't much help beyond a source of comfort. It's really not anyone's fault. And trust me, I'm grateful that my friends still love me and care about me. They're really awesome and drop in once in awhile to remind me that I am loved. But apart, we no longer hear the same sounds, smell the same odors, taste the same flavors, endure the same struggles...we're forced to become alienated. Everything we now share...must be described and explained...instead of being in the experience together. How can we possibly capture a particular moment? No matter how hard and how explicitly one tries to describe and recapture a scene, frame, minuscule in time...it simply can't be done. Then oftimes when we hear, "I understand" one can't help but wonder... "how much?"
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